Amy and Emily’s saga
Amy and Emily’s saga

WARNING – EXTREME TALENT IS CONTAINED IN THESE PAGES

Authors note: Amy started this amazing story with a very soppy beginning with lots of long words, which really showed I tried too hard. Hence, I’ll give you a brief intro before I go onto the body of the story where Emily stepped in and it got a lil bit more interesting…oh and one more thing. You may notice a conflict of opinion between authors once we reach Gondor – just take it as it comes…
Amy and Emily were walking into town one day, discussing what to buy (LOTR stickers, haha) when a big shimmery, bizarre, wibbly-wobbly-jelly-on-a-plate…thing…appeared. It did lots of shimmering and twinkling before revealing itself to be a portal to Middle-Earth! And so, naturally, they stepped through, into bright sunshine, leaving smelly Reading in the past. They found themselves in Hobbiton, and wandered about in bliss until they met a lil man called Clotho who took them to Samwise Gamgee. He seemed to know a lot more about why Emily and Amy had appeared than they did, but he went all mysterious and twinkly-eyed, so they had to wait until they met Aragorn in the morning, who would “explain everything.”
And, after a sleep and a meal, they followed Sam to the edge of Hobbiton, where they met the dashing King, Faramir and Eomer. (Not surprisingly, Faramir and Eomer kind of faded out almost as soon as they were introduced.) Aragorn explained why Amy and Emily had been granted passage to Middle-Earth – and guess what? – it was to save the world.
Just then, Legolas appeared…

AND SO IT BEGINS

It was at this moment that Eomer called back to them, pointing ahead.
“Legolas! It’s Legolas!”
Amy’s heart skipped a beat as she saw Legolas riding towards them, bareback on Arod. His blonde hair flew behind him, and he smiled in recognition at Aragorn. As he slowed, drawing nearer, his dark blue eyes swept past Emily and Amy, not paying much attention to them, and when Aragorn introduced them, he bowed in his seat, but he saw them as children – it was painfully obvious. Amy stared at the floor, feeling her face redden. She felt stupid and infantile, and so very miserable. Legolas, the love of her life, did not want or even like her.
They travelled for many days, speaking little…
Anyway, when they arrived they were shown to beautiful rooms. They unpacked their eleven suitcases – arranging their shrines* around the room. Amy felt very sick as she was allergic to mallorn so she went outside for an Ent drought.
Emily sat by her dressing table trying to de-matt her frazzled hair.
Suddenly, Aragorn burst in looking rugged and manly…he went over to Emily and held her – she was très confuzzled. He began to kiss her – Emily went along with it.
Downstairs Amy was drinking deeply when she felt a playful slap on the back. It was Legolas – he threw his arms around her and wrestled her to the floor. Amy was shocked – what was going on?
“What are you doing?” asked Emily and Amy at the same time.
“What do you mean Arwen?” asked Aragorn.
“I’ve missed you, Gimli!” said Legolas.
“AH-HAH!” said the all powerful narrator guy Elrond. “Amy and Emily have become characters from Middle-Earth.”
“Ohhh!” said the relieved readers.
Emily woke, breathing heavily, eyes wide. It took several seconds for her to realise that it had all been a horrible nightmare, and she was lying in Gondor, having spent her first night in the city of her king.
There was a knock on the door, and Aragorn entered. She winced, waiting for him to launch himself at her, but he just said, “We await you downstairs,” smiled, and left.
As the door closed, Emily realised she was quite disappointed! Hurriedly, she dressed, washed and made her way to the dining hall. Inside, she was Amy sitting miserably by herself whilst Legolas sat far down the table, verrrry close to a lady with long black hair. Emily peered closely, and gasped.
“It’s Philippa!” she said.
“I know,” said Amy tearfully. *
Emily was well known for her future-telling dreams. The next day her dream came true.
“Ha-hah,” she muttered randomly to herself.
She sure liked being Arwen, Aragorn bought her lots of presents…and more besides.
Suddenly, there was a great puff of smoke.
“Ho ho ho I’m Holly – the all powerful hobbit wizard!!! – and these are my faithful servants Meriadoc and Peregrin!” Two sheepish hobbits stood beside her.
“You did this!” said Emily/Arwen.
“Well…erm…yes – I was bored.” replied Holly.
“Thanks,” said Emily
“That’s ok,” replied Holly.
Just then, Amy/Gimli charged through the door, eyes blazing with fury.
“You’ve ruined my life!” she shouted, pointing a very short but accusing finger at Holly the hobbit wizard.
Holly looked surprised. “Have I?” she said. “I thought I was doing you a favour – now you’re friends with Legolas!”
“Yes, but it’s not right,” said Amy, and she suddenly seemed very small and alone. “I’m supposed to be beautiful and proud and…”
Her eyes filled with tears and she ran from the room.
“Oh dear” said Holly, “ I feel terrible.”
“Yeah,” said Emily/Arwen.
They both stared nervously at their feet.
“Oh, well, you can’t win them all!” said Emily cheerfully. Holly agreed and they both skipped out of the room.
“Oh, Arrraaagooorrrnn!” called Emily.
“Coming,” he replied.
Emily thought, I could get used to this…
Meanwhile, Holly the hungry hobbit wizard was feeling a bit worried about Amy/Gimli, so she went looking for her. She eventually saw her, hiding from Legolas in the gardens. Holly went invisible and whispered a few choice words…
“Red rum, RED RUM,” she whispered. Amy looked frantically around her.
“REDRUM…”
“Aaaarrggh!” Amy screamed and ran away. Holly chuckled.
Legolas tiptoed through the grounds, and then spotted Amy/Gimli running away, screaming.
“Oh joy, a game!” he said happily, and gave chase.
Amy/Gimli looked behind her to see the playful Legolas run towards her with outstretched arms.
“Bugger,” she said and dived headfirst into a bush.
Legolas looked around him. “Gimli?” he called. There was no reply. His face fell, he gave a little pout and trudged back, dragging his feet as he went. Meanwhile, in the bush someone said “Hello.” Amy spun round, getting a huge twig up her hairy nose, it was Holly, having her feet massaged by Merry and Pippin.
“Change me back, please, I’ll do anything, just please…”she broke down into hysterical laughter, Holly was worried.
“Okay, I’ll try,” she said.
Holly shooed Merry and Pippin away, lay down and raised her feet in the air.
“Pancake Worcester!” she shouted and a crackle of magic passed between her hairy toes.
“Carrot Leicester!” she yelled and the magic shot towards Amy, crouched in the bush. It surrounded her and she disappeared for a moment in the spell. They heard shouts from inside the cloud and then it drifted away to reveal Amy without a chunky braid or helmet in sight.
Amy stood up with relief, her head popped up from the bush, and she saw Legolas and Philippa strolling through the gardens, arm in arm. Legolas looked at her, Amy stared back, they couldn’t move. Legolas tried to stifle a laugh and snorted at the girl standing in the middle of the bush, with leaves coming out of her ears, hair standing vertically up from her head and, what was that? A hint of facial hair? Philippa and Legolas exchanged knowing looks before walking off. Amy wasn’t too crushed, as for some reason she found herself slightly less attracted to Legolas.
Amy stood, watching the couple walk away, when Holly snuck up behind her and poked her chin with her hairy wand.
“Ouch!” squealed Amy, broken out of her thoughtful mood.
“Sorry,” said Holly, “Missed a bit.”
Meanwhile, back in Gondor Emily was sitting on her bed, listening to the trickling of the shower, she was awakened from her trance by a knock at the door.
It was Amy, complete with leaf decoration, smiling happily.
“I’m back!” she said.
Emily gasped, and pulled her inside.
“Girly, you sooo need a makeover,” she said professionally.
“What?” said Amy.
“Oh, sorry, I’m a bit distracted at the mo.” They both looked to the bathroom door, Amy understood.
“I’ll leave you in peace, then, then,” said Amy, grinning. She left and got attacked by a gardener, who thought she was a stray hedge…
Emily was torn between saving Amy and, erm, but her decision was quickly made for her as the bathroom door opened.
Amy ran away, down the corridor, pulling at the leaves trapped in her hair and clothes. She was so preoccupied that she didn’t see who was up ahead and she crashed straight into Legolas and Philippa.
“Oh – er – sorry.” She said. She was about to walk past when Phillippa called after her.
“Amy?”
She turned round, hoping for a greeting or recognition, but Philippa just plucked another damned leaf out of Amy’s tousled curls.
“Missed one,” she hissed, and walked back to Leggy.
Amy was suspicious. What was wrong with Philippa?
Meanwhile, Aragorn stood in the door of the bathroom, towel around his waist, hair dripping wet and clinging to the sides of his face.* Emily realised she was staring and turned away, looking at the floor. She felt a hand on her shoulder, she looked behind her to see Aragorn staring into her eyes. There was a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it,” Emily whispered.
Aragorn kissed her and returned to the bathroom to dress himself. She opened the door to see a woman with long black hair, blue eyes and pointy eyes.
“Bugger,” said Emily, Arwen fainted.
Meanwhile, Amy was wandering about, feeling sorry for herself, when she saw Haldir. She stood, considering him. He was an elf (check), he was blonde (check) and he knew how to use a bow and arrow. (Check, check.)
Before long, the two were walking arm in arm, talking about shooting Gimli in the dark…
Back in the bedroom, Emily had to think quickly. She picked Arwen off the floor but with much difficulty, she then dropped her. “Bollocks,” she said. She heard the bathroom door open, and threw a duvet over Arwen.
Legolas and Philippa were walking along, talking about sweetness and light, when suddenly Philippa collapsed, twitching all over.
“Oh Valar, what’s happening!” cried Legolas.
“Never fear!” cried Holly, brandishing her feet, and falling over.
Back in the bedroom (again) Aragorn had reappeared.
“Aragorn, I’ve erm…I just want to be alone.”
“Why?” asked Aragorn. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, er, except I’ve got a headache, and, ah, I’ve got something in my shoe.”
“Okay,” said the bemused Aragorn, and he walked out.
Arwen stirred under the duvet. Emily knew there was only one thing to do. She drew forth her elven mobile and dialled 999-Holly.
Bakcwith Legolas and that lot, Holly’s phone began to ring. She answered it, her face grew furrowed with worry.
“I’ve got to go,” she told the others, and ran up the hallway.
“But…” Legolas called after her.
“Oh, okay,” Holly said, as she screeched to a halt. Hurriedly, she sent a green spark towards Philippa. It hovered on her lips before she magically opened her mouth, and it dived down her throat. At once, she calmed, and stopped twitching.
“That’ll soothe her for now,” explained Holly, before running to Emily’s aid.
Holly burst in to the bedroom, “Hide!” she called to Emily.
Emily hid under the bed.
“Arwen,” said Holly, “How are you?”
“Fine, but I saw…”
“Yes, yes, whatever, I just came to tell you that Aragorn’s in love with Legolas, your nose is crooked and…and..er you’re going mad, mad I tell you! No wait this is all a dream. You’re dreaming, oh, look at the elephants. I love Haldir he’s very good at horse-riding, don’t you know, some say he’s the faster rider.”
“No!” cried Arwen, “The bastard, I’m the fastest rider damn it!”
And with that she ran out of the room to find Haldir.
Emily crept out from under the bed.
“Thanks, Holly,” she said. “That was close, but what am I going to do?”
Meanwhile, Amy and Haldir were walking in harmony, when Haldir stopped and turned to Amy.
“Amy, I have something to ask you,” he said.
“What?” asked Amy, dreading his reply.
“Could you love an elf that loves summer fruits? And I’m also strangely attracted to carrots – raw ones, obviously – and I sharpen pencils in my spare time…Amy? Amy!”
But it was too late – she’d legged it.

“Right,” said Emily, “You’ll have to changed me back.”
“Okay,” said Holly.
“But, wait, then Aragorn would hate me and love Arwen again.”
“True.” said Holly.
“Because he loves Arwen, and I’m only 14.”
“Sadly yes.”
“If only I was older and Arwen was mad.”
“That can be arranged,” said Holly.
“If only there…what did you say?”
Holly had a plan.
Philippa lay on the floor, breathing evenly, whilst Legolas supported her head (much to Amy’s telepathic distress).
“Wake up, dearest,” murmured Legolas.
So she did.
“Hurrah!” they all said.
Then Amy appeared…
Aragorn re-entered the room, so Holly invisibled herself.
“Arwen?” said Aragorn. “Are you okay?”
“Yep,” Emily said, “I’m feeling grrrrrrreeeat!”
She began to jump madly around the room, chewing her hair.
“Hello, Legolas!” she said, speaking earnestly to two of her fingers.*
“Arwen?” said Aragorn.
“Arwen?” said Emily. “I’m not Arwen, in fact I’m not even an elf, I’m a cow, MOO!” she said as she sank to the floor and began to crawl around, mooing madly.
Holly reappeared and tapped Aragorn on the shoulder. He jumped.
“I’m very sorry,” she said “I’m afraid Arwen has gone mad, I’ll have to take her away.”
Aragorn looked down to see Emily/Arwen chewing at his trouser leg.
“Okay,” he said.
Holly dragged Emily out of the room.
“Bye-bye panda,” Emily said as she left the room.
Amy stood in the middle of the group.
“Hi,” she said slowly. “What’s up with Philippa?”
“Nothing,” said Philippa hurriedly, standing up and walking away. “I’m fine now.”
Amy realised she was standing right next to Legolas, minus facial hair and leaves.
“Hi!” she said brightly.
“Er, I’m just going to and, er, sharpen my arrows,” he said quickly, running after Philippa.
Amy sighed and went to find a pub.
“Right,” said Holly.
“Sorted” said Emily, “Now he’ll never love Arwen – haha.”
“Just to make sure,” said Holly, she raised a hairy foot and muttered a few words. Somewhere in Gondor Arwen screamed. Her hair turned pink, her nose had expanded and she was covered in warts. Emily and Holly laughed.
Amy couldn’t find a pub so now she was thoroughly pissed off. She found some Ent drought though, so she drank that and felt really odd, so she leaned against a pillar, (which just happened to be there.)
Suddenly, she stood up straight and gasped. Where she had been leaning, flowers were growing up the pillar!
“Coooool,” she said.
Meanwhile…
“And now for you!” said Holly.
“Yey,” said Emily.
“Fundus senex rainer shimmy hurrah”
A sparkly pink ray of shampoo shot out of her toe. It hit Emily in the eye.
“Ow!” she screamed.
Swirls of colour swam around her, her hair became shorter, her nails became longer, her braces disappeared and she became rather bulkier, she had become herself in 6 years time.
Emily looked in the mirror, her face dropped slightly.
“Well, I’m me again.”
She looked imploringly at Holly.
“Oh, okay then, you are a greedy goblin,” said the hungry hobbit wizard, “I’ll change you again.”
Amy was still experimenting with her new Enty powers. Everything she touched sprouted plants and flowers, which grew at a mile a minute. She was having rather a lot of fun, when she saw herself in the mirror…
Aragorn sat on his green arm chair with his head in his hands when there was a soft knock on the door.
“Come in,” he said, getting to his feet.
Emily opened the door, she had long flowing hair, a delicate, small, slightly flared nose and she was exactly 5’8”.
“Hello, do I know you?” Aragorn asked, as she looked slightly familiar.
“No,” replied Emily, “I don’t believe so.”
There was an awkward silence.
“Well, er, I was wondering if you…” began Emily, Aragorn looked up.
“Wondering what?”
“Er…” she said feeling weak at the knees, “Do you…have any toilet paper?”
Aragorn looked at her quizzically and handed her a silvery roll.
“I needed some, you see, erm…we ran out.”
Aragorn nodded in understanding.
“Thanks,” she said, “It’s very pretty.”
They stood for a while contemplating the roll.
“Okay, bye!” said Emily.
“Goodbye,” said Aragorn.
Emily closed the door softly behind her.
“Damn it!” she said, throwing down the lemon scented toilet roll in her frustration.
Amy gawped at her reflection in amazement. Gone were the frizzy curls, the brace, and the slightly insane look. Her hair flowed in soft, coppery brown waves down her back, her skin was smooth and tanned, her face! – Amy touched her nose happily. But the most amazing thing was her eyes – deep and green like mossy lagoons and flecked with hazel.
“HURRAH!” yelled the Entish Amy, and heard a gasp behind her. She turned to see…
Anywho, Emily was crushed. She sat alone in her room listening to sausages frying in a pan.
Aragorn returned to his chair and began to read a book of Feng Shui to pass the time. He had just finished rearranging his swords and shampoo when he found a silvery necklace on the floor. It was the one Arwen had given him, he was about to stamp on it but then he thought, “I know who would like this.”
Where was I? Oh yes…
Legolas stood transfixed, staring at Amy. His bow clattered to the floor (he was holding it – hurrah!)
“Please tell me your name,” he said.
Amy opened her mouth to say ‘Amy’ but then she realised that wouldn’t work as he already knew ‘Amy’. Instead, she walked towards Legolas, looked at him, and enjoyed the brief moment she allowed herself to gaze into his eyes, before she blew a raspberry and ran away. Hee hee.
Aragorn traipsed back through the corridors, his head bowed. He looked dejected. He really thought Elrond would like the necklace but he said it would clash with his hairband – ho hum… He walked straight into Emily.
“I’m so sorry…” He started.
“It’s fine really,” She said, looking deep into his eyes.
“No,” he said “I want to make it up to you.”
Emily was slightly scared but went along with it.
“Okay,” she replied.
“Here,” he said placing the priceless necklace around her neck.
“It’s beautiful,” Emily said.
Aragorn took her hands in his.
“Not as beautiful as…what the hell is that?”
Emily spun around to see smoke billowing from her room.
“Bugger, the sausages!”
Amy was running along giggling when Holly appeared in a puff of pastry.
“What did you do that for?” she asked.
Amy detached herself from the pastry so she could reply.
“I could ask the same about you,” she said brushing crumbs off her skirt.
“You’re avoiding the question…” warned Holly, ruffling Merry’s hair – he was grinning.
“Well, Legolas was just being a bit of a dork, doncha fink?” said Amy.
“Not really,” replied Holly. “I mean you had the perfect opportunity – with you all entish and him all gawpy.”
“But he’s with Philippa, and if he knew who I REALLY was he wouldn’t love me,” said Amy.
Holly snapped her fingers, and Merry and Pippin suddenly found they were holding a huge mirror, which was very heavy.
“This is you now,” said Holly.
“Really?” said Amy, staring at the stranger before her.
“It’s time for HIM to change,” said Holly mysteriously, before disappearing in a flash of disinfectant.
Holly had another plan.

Together Emily and Aragorn burst into the room, they fought back the choking smoke.
“The gas! The gas is on!” yelled Aragorn over the roaring flames.
“Turn it off! Turn it off!” screamed Emily
but it was too late, in slow motion they saw a spark fly through the air,
“Run!” Screamed Emily.
Aragorn grabbed her wrist and they legged it out of the burning room. Aragorn grabbed Emily and through himself out a window. The force of the explosion threw them through the air. Rivendell had exploded.
“Whoops a daisy!” Said Elrond dramatically, but Aragorn and Emily were kissing passionately on the floor, so they didn’t hear.

Amy stood amongst the smoking ruins of Rivendell, whilst thoughtfully chewing a raw carrot. A single tear slid down her cheek.
“Amy!”
It was Haldir, running towards her with arms outstretched.
“You’re alive and you’re Entish and YOU LIKE CARROTS!”
But no… Amy was gone, her carrot abandoned.
Then there was a groan, Legolas emerged from the ruins.
“Ah-ha!” Said Holly and got to work.
Emily stood up and looked guiltily around her.
“Sorry,” she said to the distraught Elrond.
“20 thousand years of Elvish custom lost – LOST!” He fell to his knees and began to cry, clutching at a nearby toilet seat.
“You must pay!” he said, slithering across the floor towards them. Aragorn grabbed Emily’s hand and they ran away.
Amy was hiding from Haldir when Holly found her.
“You’re going to be sooo happy!” she giggled.
Amy was about to ask why when Holly led Legolas out from behind a tree.
“Hello, Amy,” he said dully. His eyes were glazed, staring into space. His hands hung limply at his sides.
“You’re very beautiful.”
Amy fainted.
“Oops,” said Holly. Merry and Pippin tried to wake Amy up whilst Holly looked Legolas up and down.
“What are we going to do now, hmmm?” she asked.
“I love Amy,” he burbled.
“Of course you do,” sighed Holly.
Suddenly there was a rumble from Mount Doom, a black smudge in the distance. Screeching noises filled the air, and the sun was hidden by a thick layer of cloud, shrouding the ruins of Rivendell in darkness.
“What’s happening?” asked Amy shakily. Emily screamed and was filled with fear, Aragorn froze and looked to the east.
“I must go, go to Gondor, my people need me,”
Emily didn’t move. “He’s so rugged and manly” she thought. Then his words sank in.
“Why?” she asked. “What’s happening?”
“I’m not sure.” he said as he mounted a nearby horse.
“Wait for me!” Emily cried and leaped on a beautiful grey horse called Bob.
“And me,” cried Amy, galloping towards them on a huge black horse called Ralph.
“Me too!” came a shout, and they turned to see Holly, Merry and Pippin on an enormous purple horse.”
“Why is it purple?” asked Emily. Holly shrugged. “Dodgy spell,” she said.
“It’s not the only dodgy one, either,” muttered Amy, glancing at Legolas, who was slumped in the saddle of Arod.
And they were off.
They rode slowly as Emily kept on needing the loo, and Legolas was constantly falling off his horse. Aragorn and Emily rode ahead of the others, playing kiss-chase and other classic schoolyard games.
It was Amy’s job to keep shoving Legolas back on his horse, each time he fell off. The third time Amy helped Legolas up, he muttered “Amy,” thickly, and a ghost of a smile played over his features. Amy was moved to tears and patted his knees.
As the day progressed, Legolas became more and more sane – hurrah! So Amy forgave Holly for her deeds and everyone was happy.
“Oh, look! Is that Gondor?” called Merry.
“No, it’s a tree.” said Pippin.
A new mission burdened them – Merry needed glasses.
“and then we go into a quiet little place and have a drink or two,” sang Aragorn.
“and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you,” sung Emily and Aragorn in perfect harmony.
Merry fell down a hole.
“Oh no, Merry’s fallen down a hole!” screamed Pippin.
“they call me mellow yellow…”
They sky went a fiery red.
“Gosh, the sky has gone a fiery red!” yelled Amy.
“and they call it puppy love…”
“Shut up!” yelled Holly.
There was a deathly silence as mascara began to fall from the sky. They all began to dance an Irish jig before falling asleep.
Mordor was playing with their minds.
“Merry! Merry my love! Why art thou so holed?” sang Emily. Aragorn looked hurt.
“It’s the madness and mascara affecting her brain,” Amy said quickly, so Aragorn stopped looking miserable. Legolas however thought she was flirting, and, still a bit brain-dead, punched Aragorn lazily on the chin. Aragorn rocked back in his saddle, but didn’t fall off, and his bristly shin grazed Legolas’ hand, so he gave a little yelp. Merry scolded the dazed elf (from the depths of his hole) whilst Pippin gleefully smacked his bum.
“STOP IT! HALT! NO! What are you doing you crazy ketchups…mean people.” yelled a mysterious horseman, it was Elrond with his fairy queen Philippa.
“Philippa!” cried Legolas, aroused from his stupor by Pippin’s constant slapping. “How could you do this?”
Philippa shrugged her elfin shoulders.
“There was nothing else to do…” she said. Legolas sniffed, and Amy squeezed his hand.
Elrond had gone a funny colour, and pointed a shaking finger at Emily and Aragorn, who were humming “Kum by Yah” in harmony and swaying in time to the music.
“You destroyed centuries of Elvish beauty!” he thundered.
“It ain’t necessarily so…” crooned Emily, but her words didn’t help. Elrond leaped off his horse and punched Aragorn.
“Hit me baby one more time…” trilled the mangy warrior.
“Okay! That’s enough,” said Holly, cradling the muddy Merry in her arms. “Hocus pocus, fiddily dum la po chips!” she screamed and with that powerful spell, the madness was over.
“Phew!” said Emily, but then she began to scream for behind her was Aragorn and Legolas locked in a tight embrace.
“Legolas! What are you DOING?” screamed Amy.
“What are you talking about, Aragorn, I’m comforting Amy,” replied Legolas, clutching Aragorn to him.
“But, I’m Amy,” stammered Amy.
“Nonsense! I’m Amy!” demanded Aragorn, who then turned to Emily, who was whimpering.
“What’s wrong, Emily?” he said. “Can’t you see Legolas and I are happy?”
“Oh god why do all my spells cock up?!” wailed Holly, and she clapped her hands (accidentally dropping Merry) to try again.
This time it worked – phew! They all clapped Holly. They mounted their horses and continued to Gondor.
Aragorn rode up to Emily.
“Emily,” he said, “I don’t think things are working between us. It’s not you it’s me, sorry.”
Emily was shocked. “Why, what’s wrong?” she said tearfully.
“Emily…”(dramatic pause) “There’s someone else.” Dum,dum, dumdumd-d-d-dum (the Eastenders theme tune began to play loudly all around them.)
But then – “Oh my god!” someone screamed. “I’ve killed Legolas!”
They all rushed ahead to see Legolas lying in a pool of blood. Pippin stood beside the body, holding a smoking gun that shook violently in his trembling fingers.
“What is THAT?” asked Aragorn, peering at the pistol, but no-one replied.
“I’ve killed him – oh, god, what have I done?”
“And…CUT! Jolly good, well done everyone, where the tea, I’m gasping!”
A very short, bearded man appeared, talking in a loud New Zealandish accent. He was holding a large clipboard and had thick glasses perched on his nose. He noticed the gawping group, and introduced himself.
“Peter Jackson,” he said. “Filming a LOTR Eastenders – it’s going very well.”
Legolas got up slowly to his feet and Amy screamed with relief, and rushed towards him.
“You’re alive! Oh, thank heaven, you’re alive!” she shrieked.
“I know, babe, but I need a shower,” said Legolas, hurrying away before Amy could suggest they shared it…
Emily had not heard the recent revelations and was terribly upset. She ran to the local showers to er…drown her sorrows. Legolas was standing under the warm water trying to get the ketchup/blood out of his flowing hair.
“Oh Legolas,” cried Emily, “Why…why? Why would he leave me, we’ve been through so much and I’ve been soo faithful – for once.* You have no idea how hard it’s been,” she added, too distraught to notice his nakedness.
Meanwhile, Amy was heading towards the showers, as she had got a bit bloodied, frantically hugging Legolas. As she entered she saw the two together, and gasped. There was a moment of silence, and then she fled, weeping.
Meanwhile in the shower things were getting steamy. (Because the water was above 100ºC so it began to evaporate, forming a gas called water vapour aka steam.) Legolas and Emily were now sitting on the floor of the large communal shower. They were talking earnestly about life and their woes.
Aragorn began to head to the shower, to make his hair appear more straggly and to find Emily. He opened the shower door wide (they really should get a lock) to see Emily and Legolas talking earnestly. This would normally not bother him, were it for the fact that they were naked.
“Emily!” cried Aragorn.
“What?” Emily said defensively, “You love someone else, why should it bother you if I’m showering with Legolas here?” She stroked Legolas’ hair possessively.
Aragorn explained.
“Oh…” replied Emily.
“Now you explain yourself young lady!” said Aragorn.
“I wasn’t doing nothing!” said Emily, carefully using a double negative to hide her guilt.
“Why should we be ashamed of our nakedness?” cried Legolas, emotion surging through his veins.
“We were both naked. What is the problem?”
“Yeah!” cried Emily.
“I agree,” said Aragorn, tearing off his shirt.
Meanwhile, Amy wandered miserably about, very confused and upset. Suddenly, a large blonde pig appeared and snorted at her.
“Eew! Clear off!” Amy shrieked, and the pig looked hurt.
“But I am Hedgewyn, and I know all the words to La Bamba!” it squealed.
“You’re a girl?” said Amy incredulously. “I thought you were a…”
“A what?” said Hedgewyn tearfullly. “A pig? Go on, say it. A pig, right? Ok, so I have the occasional grunting session and my nose is a little on the snoutish side, but you should see my friend. She looks like a startled heron…”
Amy smiled sympathetically before legging it – an action, she realised, that was becoming familiar to her.
All this time, Holly the great one had been watching everything and realised that Amy needed to join the Nudist Revolution, so she zzzapped her and sent her back to the showers…
Emily was having fun the three comrades had found a new game to play using shampoo. There was a timid knock at the door.
“Hello…can I come in?” It was Amy.
“No!” said Emily. Legolas grabbed a towel.
“Of course, the more the merrier!” said Aragorn.
Emily gave him a disapproving look.
“Oh…sorry,” he said wrapping a fluffy pink towel around his waist.
Amy entered in her swimming costume and shower cap holding a toothbrush. She gasped as she saw Emily wrapping a towel around Legolas’ waist.
“How could you?” she screamed. Emily looked confused.
“What?” she asked. Amy turned around and stormed out.
“Amy wait!” said Emily, “It wouldn’t stay up, he needed help…Amy WAIT!”
Amy dashed outside, toothbrush clutched in her hand, sobbing for the second time that hour, and ran into the fleshy arms of Peter Jackson.
“Wha…” said Peter, startled. “What’s going on?”
“Aaaammmyyy!” came a cry, and Emily appeared, starkers, closely followed by Aragorn and Legolas swathed in fluffy pink. Emily however, bared all.
“Oh, good grief…” muttered Holly, and covered Merry and Pippin’s eyes, who gawped at Emily.
“Er…shouldn’t you put some clothes on, miss?” stammered Peter.
Emily turned her gaze from the weeping Amy to Peter, and she stood up importantly.
“Why? Why can’t I stay naked? This is my natural state – why should I hide it?”
“You’ve got a point…” said Peter, taking off his top.
Amy backed away in horror, and even Emily looked worried.
“Are you sure you want to do that?” she asked.
Peter glared at her.
“Are you saying this is only reserved for young, thin people? Because if you are, then you’re being unfair.”
“No – it’s just – you might catch cold!”
“And so will you,” said Holly, suddenly clicking her fingers and magically clothing Aragorn, Legolas and Emily. As an afterthought, she also exchanged Amy’s daggy costume for some decent togs.
“Oh,” said Emily, defeated.
Amy turned to her and said, “You evil beevil, naked Legolas snatcher!”
Emily and Legolas looked at each other confusedly. Aragorn hit Legolas hard, pushing him to the floor.
“How could you?” he yelled, standing over him. He raised his fist for another blow but Emily dived on top of Legolas.
“NO!” she yelled, fighting back tears. “You’ve got it all wrong! Aragorn my love, my life. How could you be so untrusting??”
Aragorn helped the screaming Emily to her geet.
“But you were…” he began.
“Yes,” she said, “Yes I was having a naked, steamy shower with Legolas, but so were you and I don’t accuse you of being unfaithful!”
“I’m sorry.” Said Amy.
“I’m sorry,” said Aragorn.
“I’m sorry for everything,” said Legolas.
“I’m sorry that I’m not really having an affair with Legolas,” said Emily to herself as she helped the bloodied, sweaty Legolas to his feet.
Amy saw the wonderfully sexy state Legolas was in and came over all funny, so she went to go and have a nice lie-down. Leggy saw her leaving and called out,
“Are you still angry?”
“No, I…” said Amy, trailing off. “Phwoar,” she muttered to herself, before hurrying away. Legolas grinned, and followed.
Holly meanwhile was giving Pippin and Merry a bath, when suddenly Merry sank beneath the sweet-smelling bubbles and disappeared. Holly shrieked and pulled him back up by a handful of curly hair.
“I’m blind!” he cried, spluttering.
“No, you have soap in your eyes and you’re a drama queen,” Holly scolded.
Meanwhile, Emily and Aragorn were talking.
“Well…” said Aragorn.
“What?” said Emily.
“I’m bored,” replied Aragorn.
“What shall we do?” asked Emily.
They both looked at the floor, pondering what to do next.
Suddenly they burst into song, but were rudely interrupted by a large owl swooping down and dropping a message at Aragorn’s feet. It said,
‘Dear Strider dude,
What the bloody hell d’you think you’re doing? You’re supposed to be heading to Gondor to sort out the black skies and strange noises!’
Aragorn paused in his reading and looked up at the thunderclouds above him.
“Oh yeah,” he said, before turning his attention back to the letter.
‘Ride now! At once! Yours, King Dooby xx’
“Who’s King Doobry?” Emily asked. Aragorn shrugged and went to find Legolas and Amy.
Amy greeted Aragorn with a bear hug. Emily’s eyes narrowed and she went and kissed Legolas lightly on the lips. Amy went bright red and stamped on Emily’s foot, making her yell. The two girls stood fuming. Aragorn and Legolas went and began to prepare the horses for their newly remembered quest whilst the girls looked evils at each other.
“He’s mine,” hissed Amy through gritted teeth.
“He’s mine,” said Emily fiercely.
There was a slight pause, and then the two said simultaneously,
“Who’s mine?”
The confusion overwhelmed them so they had a sit down to think about it. Then their two warriors came back on their horses and with Holly and her stooges following.
“Are you ready to leave?” Legolas asked.
“Yes!” Emily said sweetly. Amy glared at her and jumped up behind Legolas before Emily had the chance.
Emily got on her own horse in between Aragorn and Legolas and they rode to Gondor.
As they neared the gates, Aragorn brushed his hair and put on a large helmet with wings and simarils. Emily stifled a laugh.
“For ID of course,” he said.
They rode through the large mithril gates to see a big black cloud of dragonflies gnawing at the stonework.
“Oh dear,” said Aragorn.
“Hmmm,” said Legolas.
“Help! Oh, please help us!” came a cry from the watchtower, and a very tattered flag appeared out of the window, waving frantically. The seven of them watched the tattered cloth for a bit before a large, warty, black claw grabbed it and pulled it back inside the watchtower. Blood-curdling screams followed this, which were abruptly cut short.
“Oh dear,” said Aragorn.
“Hmmm,” said Legolas.
The companions sat on their horses staring at the bug-infested streets.
“What are we going to do?” said Merry.
Holly, seeing her hobbits distress, conjured up some fly spray and handed it to Emily.
“Go, do what you must!” she said to Emily, “But now I must go…because it’s way past Pippin’s bedtime.”
With that she turned and vanished in a cloud of snoopy tissues. Aragorn, Legolas, Emily and Aragorn were alone.
Emily turned to the other three, her eyes were full of tears but her mouth was set in a determined line.
“I must go, dear friends, and do my thang,” she said.
“We’ll come,” said Aragorn cheerfully.
Emily shook her head mournfully.
“You cannot,” she said “I must do this alone, armed only with spray and my amazing looks.”
“You can have a shower when you get back,” said Aragorn meaningfully.
Emily’s face changed.
“Come on, then!” she said happily.
Emily grasped Aragorn’s hand and they set off amidst the swarming insects. They ran through the city shieldig their eyes. They made their way up to the seventh circle and the great white tower. They ran, breathing heavily, up the winding stairs to the top where they saw a terrible sight. It was Arwen! She had a nest of dragonflies in her bright pink hair and she was crying, when she saw Aragorn her jaw dropped.
“Arwen?” he said tenderly, picking the bugs out of her hair. “Why are you here? I thought they’d taken you away.”
“Taken me away? No, I fled as my hair turned pink, my nose grew and…and…I, I have warts – no-one loves me anymore.”
“Oh, Arwen,” crooned Aragorn, holding her to him.
“And then,” Arwen continued, “I did a spell to regain my former beauty and all the dragonflies came…woe is me!”
Emily was very sad.
Suddenly Arwen caught sight of Emily, and she frowned.
“Don’t I know you?” she said.
“No,” said Emily slowly, “You don’t…”
Holly appeared again in a puff of smoke.
“What’s happening, peeps?” she said cheerily. Emily nodded miserably towards Arwen, and Holly looked.
“Ah. Bugger,” she said.
Arwen’s face had gone papery-white and her eyes were blazing.
“You!” she hissed at Holly. “You ruined my life! First, you lie about Haldir, which I realised too late, and then I turn into…into…a FREAK!”
She erupted into high, cackling laughter, and Holly and Emily exchanged glances. Aragorn looked from Arwen to Emily, and said carefully, “What’s going on?”
“And what was that about Haldir, Arwen?” asked Amy, briefly remebering her old flame.
“Unnnggghhh…” gurgled the darkness of a corner.
“Pardon?” asked Holly.
Arwen smiled sweetly.
“That’s Haldir,” she said, turning her pink head in the direction of the noises.
“Haldir, baby,” she crooned, beckoning with a warty finger. “Come and meet our guests…”
Emily screamed and feebly clutched Aragorn’s arm.
Haldir was small, crooked and deformed, he looked at them with a scary learing grin.
“Okay, this has gone too far!” yelled Holly. “SOFA, COUCH!!”
There was complete and utter silence until Holly whispered huskily, “Settee…”
There was a clap of thunder and all the magic Holly had ever done or ever been a part of was undone. The bugs disappeared, Haldir grew back into his tall elven form and began to munch on a stray strawberry. Interestingly, the threatening thunderclouds and shrieks also disappeared with a satisfying phut. No-one was particularly surprised that the threat of Mordor was Holly’s fault, but it didn’t matter any more. Arwen became her former self. Aragorn grinned. Emily and Amy shrank, their hair became shorter and their skin paler.
“Oh no!” cried Emily, “I’m 14 again!”
But ha ha! Amy looked into the mirror (that, again, just happened to be there) and saw a new self, a wonderful, stronger self that had evolved from all the experiences she had endured. She grabbed Emily’s hand and pulled her in front of the mirror.
“It’s okay,” she said urgently, “Look at yourself!”
And Emily did.
“Hurrah!” cried Emily. As she looked at her changed reflection in the mirror Aragorn came up behind her.
“Emily,” he said, “We can never be together, you must understand that my love for Arwen is greater than ours can ever be.”
“But…” she stammered.
“Only joshing!” said Aragorn cheerfully. Emily hugged Aragorn, looking over his shoulder to see Haldir walk hand in hand out of the room with Arwen.
They all spun round to see Legolas appear at the top of the stairs.
He saw Amy and said,
“Have you seen my bow? I think I dropped it when I saw Haldir and a bloody dragonfly’s made off with it.”
And with that, he left, calling, “Bowey? Bowey! Come here, baby!”
Aragorn looked at Amy’s distraught face and grunted.
“I’ll go speak to him,” he said.
About half an hour later Aragorn came back. He nodded at Amy, then gave Legolas a severe look.
Legolas didn’t meet his gaze, just looked fondly at his bow and stroked it slightly. He gave a small sigh and threw his bow to the floor with a small toss of his head.
“It’s you I love Amy, YOU!” he cried and ran towards her.
Amy opened her arms wide and began to run back towards Legolas.
Emily smiled knowingly with her arm around Aragorn’s waist. Suddenly a big wibbly wobbly jelly hole appeared in the wall!
“That looks familiar,” said Emily.
But Amy didn’t hear. Legolas was holding her and kissing her, and she didn’t want anything else in the world other than this moment, this love, with his lips against hers.
“Er, Amy?” Emily said.
Amy broke away from Legolas with much effort, and said,
“Yes I know what it is, and I know this is almost over, so kiss him for God’s sake!”
She went back to Legolas and drowned all over again.
Emily rolled her eyes, “I have a better idea,” she said and, grabbing Aragorn’s hand, jumped through the hole back to Earth.
Legolas looked at the hole, swirling and twinkling, and he clutched Amy’s hand tighter.
Amy looked at his face, and saw what she had to do.
“Legolas?” she said.
“Yes?” he said, not taking his eyes off the jelly.
“Let’s go skipping in the meadows.”
“But – what about – well – that?”
“You don’t belong there – and neither do I.”
So they turned and skipped away to the meadows, holding hands and having jolly fun. Amy, however, couldn’t help wondering about Emily.
Emily was a bit buggered, she stood there watching the vortex as it grew smaller and smaller until it vanished like a drop of custard on a morning breeze. No-one had followed her.
“Bye then!” she said to all her friends she had left behind.
“Oh well…I’ve still got Liv…” She took Aragorn’s hand and led him into the nearest clothes shop.
“Don’t worry,” Emily said to Aragorn, “You’ll fit right in!” And ignoring the many funny looks they were getting, walked into Gap, only pausing so that Aragorn could look confusedly at the picture in the window. Emily looked worriedly around her as they entered, fearing the unnecessary attention of the over-enthusiastic shop assistants, but for some reason, the pair were left well alone.
They lived happily ever after.




THE END

Epilogue

Amy and Legolas skipped until they felt tired so they sat in a pretty boat and floated down the river, holding hands and gazing into the sky. Amy got a pain in her neck doing this, so Legolas gave her a massage; Amy went all wobbly and slipped out of the boat, and into the water, giggling. Legolas joined her, and they splashed each other merrily.
Amidst all this romantic nonsense, Holly appeared.
“Glad to see you’re having fun,” she said.
“Aren’t you?” said Legolas, catching Amy unawares with a sneaky splash.
“Stoppit Elfboy I’m talking. What’s up, Holls?”
“I’ve got no-one to splash. Merry and Pippin are asleep, and for some reason I’ve turned into their mother, which wasn’t the plan at all.”
“I think you do have someone,” said Legolas, pointing with a dripping finger.
Holly turned, looked, and sighed.
“Oh, Billy,” she said, “At last!”
“Never fear, lass,” said Billy, “You dunnae have to wait no more.”
Amy and Legolas left them in peace.
“Legolas?” said Amy.
“Yes?” said Legolas.
“There are fish nibbling my feet.”
“Ah.”
The two pulled themselves out of the water and onto the bank. They lay close, drying in the afternoon sun and sneezing companionably in the long grass.
“Hayfever’s such a bugger,” sniffed Amy.
Legolas chuckled, kissed her lightly, and ended the story.

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